Lately I've been looking back to my past self and wonder what would she think of my job right now. Do you think she would find my job cool?
I was 14 when I first began to discover what I wanted to do with my life. My dream was to be a Youtuber. I loved being on the internet ever since the first time I discovered it, and what I loved the most back then was watching videos, hence, my discovery of a fuck ton of Youtube channels that I loved so much and shaped who I was growing up during my teenage years. And that's when I realized, I wanted to do what they were doing. I wanted to be like them.
But back then, it wasn't really that known yet that you can make a living out of making videos on the internet. Words like "content creator" or "influencers" isn't even yet a widespread term back then, TikTok doesn't event exist yet at the time, nor does musical.ly. And Vine was still a new thing! So back then, when I get asked what I wanted to be when I grow up, I know it would confuse people when if I'll say that I want to be a Youtuber. So instead, I would say that I wanted to be a filmmaker. Like, no kidding, I even wrote that in my junior high yearbook. I also used to say filmmaker althroughout college lmao.
Well, to be fair, a lot of the youtubers I grew up with at the time also admits how they also wouldn't openly tell people that they're youtubers at the time cause back then, making videos on the internet as a job was still a very new thing and it sounds like a weird concept for majority of people at the time. I can still remember watching a video before of Jacksfilms telling the story how one time when he got asked what he does for work, instead of saying that he's a youtuber, he said that he's a videographer hahahaha.
But yeah. As a teen, I loved what they were doing and I wanted to be like them. However, by late 2010s-early 2020s, that dream of mine was slowly fading. And it's not because I was realizing that that's not what I want to do anymore, I still do. I still LOVE making videos. I still love watching videos. The reason why being a youtuber isn't my dream job anymore is because the youtube that inspired me to be one in the first place doesn't exist anymore. Youtube today is no longer the same as before. Youtube that was once filled with passionate people who loved sharing their art through music, sketches, and whatever the fuck else type of videos the love doing, those people who loved making videos just because the love making them, they used to be everywhere on the internet when I was a kid. Now, youtube has gone from YOU to greedy corporate...-tube. Youtube now has gone Mr.Beast-ified. More people now are making content just for the sake of attention, fame and money. I bet my left lung, if there's no money in making content on the internet, half of these so-called influencers on the internet wouldn't even exist.
I am so nostalgia-driven right now so I can't help but say that I miss the old youtube. I miss the Youtube that inspired me. I miss the old youtube where their most subscribed channel was from two boys from Sacramento called Smosh. I miss when Ryan Higa and his friends were still making fun sketches and stuffs. I miss Wassabi Productions where Rolanda obsessively chase over Alex. I miss Jenna Marbles' Ratchet Salon. I miss when Jon Cozart was making Disney Parody songs and me thinking that it was the coolest shit I've ever heard. I miss when MatPat overanalyze and make theories about my favorite videogames, films and webseries. I miss when Dan and Phil still pull up that sharpie to draw cat whiskers on their faces. I miss the era where Dodie sill do VEDIF, VEDIJ and stuff. I miss when PewDiePie screams over barrels, Jacksepticeye believing in Steve and SPEED IS KEEEEEY!!! And Markiplier losing his shit over a pet named Steve. I miss when youtubers collab purely for fun, to hangout and just simply make videos for the love of the game. Oh! And remember the Selfie song from Jamich? REMEMBER JAMICH?! omg i'm gonna cry
I wish I could fully say that i'm only feeling this badly nostalgic of the old Youtube because i'm older now, and that I'm only missing the joy I felt when I watched them growing up. But sadly, this is just a minor factor. The internet as a whole indeed changed a lot. The internet I grew up with no longer exist. The internet is so so different now. The internet has lost its whimsy. Every social media platform functions the same now, I miss when every social media were still their own unique thing where Instagram was Instagram (only pictures), Youtube was Youtube (any videos you can think of), Vine was Vine (1:1 6-second videos), Twitter was twitter, and Snapchat was just stories that lasts 24hours plus dem fun filters. Remember the dog filter?lmao. Now every social media platforms wants to be the other social media platforms. They are now fully consumed by greed and capitalism and instead of creating up something new that makes them different, noe every social media platforms love copying each other. Every social media platforms have the stories feature because Snapchat made it popular. Facebook and Instagram (Meta) have reels and Youtube has Youtube shorts because TikTok came it and got trending. Twitter now rebranded as X, alongside that comes Threads and Bluesky. All these three are literally the exact same shit!
I miss when all social media feeds are still in chronological order and the posts you see from you feed are only from people you actually follow. And most importantly, I miss when the internet wasn't fully infested with ads and most platforms was free. Like, the fuck you mean there's ads in Wattpad now and you can't download unlimited books anymore for free?!
But anyway yeah. That's that. Now that being a youtuber is no longer my dream job, what came my next dream job? Is it sad that my dream got vague over the past few years? All I know now is that as long as I find some sort of enjoyment with my work, I want that. haha
All I know right now is that, as long as the work revolves around art, basically anything that involves creative work, I want that. When I graduated, I tried getting a real job for one (corporate), just you know, maybe I was wrong and that I actually don't mind working in that kind of stuff. But after trying our working in corporate, that's when I learned that I was right in my initial thought. For the life of me, I can't stand being in a serious corporate job. I wanted to fucking kill myself haha
So here I am, a random video editor on the internet. I know it's an unstable job, but I love it.
I am well aware that the career path I chose is such a wild wild west, it's unpredictable and I can just lose my job anytime and when I least expect, but is it strange that I prefer it this way? It's weird that I feel a sense of freedom with this kind of work. And honestly. I feel less miserable with it. When I'm in a stable job, I feel like i'm trapped. Having to time in and out of work for 8 hours straight felt suffocating. With my work now, I have full control over my time.
I feel more at peace with my risky job because so am I! Haha! I'm an unpredictable person myself. I don't want to stick to one job. I want try many more different kind of jobs. I want to live different lives in one lifetime. There's so much things that I want to do. If I'm in a stable job, the thought of wanting to try something new comes with the worry of losing my stability if I try. But now that I've chose this unpredictable career path, if I wanna try out something new, why the fuck not? I got nothing to lose! I'm gonna be honest though, the only thing that's holding me back right now is that i'm feeling lazy as fuck lmao
Anyway, all that shit aside, there's another version of me who wants something else. While I have the kind of strong desire to be so many things, while I love my job right now, I'd be lying if I say that I am 100% okay now. The other half of myself wants to run away. A part of myself wants to disappear at get reborn as part of nature. I just want to leave this world of hyperconsumerism. I just want to get lost in the mountains and get consumed by the earth beneath. I just want to be a fucking tree on top of a mountain or an eagle soaring high to the sky with nature untouched by humans below me. I'm yearning for the mountains so bad. Or could this be just a side effect of listening to John Denver?
Yeah, I've been listening a lot to John Denver lately. Here's how that all started.
As I just mentioned, as much as I sound like I'm full of dreams sometimes, I'll be honest, the other half of me is so exhausted of existing. I just want to leave. Living as a human being in this modern world is just so exhausting. We are so out of touch. This isn't how we're supposed to live, All our lives, we are told to work hard and hard and hard. And for what exactly? They would say it's so that you can finally get to retire and enjoy a good life. But what if that "good life" never comes? What if I die before I even get to retire? I just want to live. Is that too much to ask? We are so out of touch with the natural world already.
Anyway yeah, all this living as a human in a modern world shit has been overwhelmingly exhausting to me. And I found that listening to folk music was calming me out of this. You know, the kind of songs you hear on the radio on Sundays around 1pm? Yeah, those kind of music. Some of the songs I hear from it are from John Denver. I don't know what's up with this but for some unexplained reason, I felt so drawn to check out more of his stuff. Something in me tells me to listen to more songs from John Denver. And so I did. And now, he's now in my current playlists. I don't know what kind of magic does he have but listening to his songs soothes my brain. His songs successfully shuts up my brain full of chaos.
Another thing is that, there's like, a handful of songs that I related so much. Especially the songs, "Looking for Space", and "I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel To Be Free", and many more songs. Some even made me cry when I listened to it for the first time cause like, SAME! I feel you bruh
One more thing that made me feel comfortable listening to his music, there's just something in his instrumentals and lyricism that brings me into another world. I feel like i'm in the mountains whenever I listen to him. I feel like I'm just laying on the grass, under the springtime sun surrounded by the Alps. I feel the cold morning mist as the clouds hovers around the Cordilleran mountains as the sun's about to rise. I feel myself getting lost in the Appalachian mountains and enjoying every minute of it. I feel the snow at the top of the Andes mountains.
So yeah, in a nutshell, his music calms my soul. It commands my chaotic brain to shut the fuck up, and it transports me into a world I'd love to get lost in and never come back.
This journal entry has been long as hell, I'm closing it now here. Peace out!
While i'm at it, here's my favorite John Denver songs so far: (click me bitch)